Part 2: Testing Boundaries with Sword Play

A 3-part series observational in nature and research-informed. Written by Lainie Holmes, founder and creator of LYKKE Kids in Toronto, Ontario

In this second part of the series, we’ll explore the developmental learning that happens through “bad guy” play based on research findings and first hand observations of 5 year old kiddos playing with “weapons.”

“Can you make me a sword?!”

One of the kiddos in our recreational program for kindies was asking for help.

“Would his parents be okay with this? I don’t know if I should…”

But it immediately made me think of an article a friend and former colleague once shared with me (she’s an educator, who is now a superintendent of schools). I couldn’t remember the specifics of the article, more that it emphasized the importance of weapon play for kids and why as adults we shouldn’t intervene and shut down this type of play. That vague memory was just enough to keep me open to seeing where this could go.

Swords + Shields

The boys first decided to create their own cardboard swords in the construction room. And after the first few playful sweeps at each other, one kiddo decided that he needed to make a shield. A shield was carefully constructed with a handle attached to the back so he could hold it. Now he was set for battle.

When it was time to head out for our picnic lunch in the park, the kids were quick to tuck their weapons into our picnic bag (for the record, I was feeling a little leery about this. Each family feels differently about this kind of play). But it was important to them, so we would do it.

Ground Rules

The kids were on the “pirate ship” (the park play structure) taking their cardboard weapons out of the bag. Before the battle started, one kiddo said to another, “You can only hit my shield with your stick. That’s it. Not anything else.” He waited until the other kid said, okay. Then once the terms were set and agreed on, they began.

During this time, I was an observer. They were the ones deciding how the play was going to happen; I wasn’t setting the terms. If they needed support, I was there.

The battle began…

It was a Short Battle

One kiddo started hitting the shield. They were both laughing. They were having fun using their cardboard creations. A few exchanges were made, then the hits with the swords started getting stronger and faster (I think the wielder was getting excited from the fun).

Now this is the part where as grown-ups we would typically say to our kids, “okay guys, someone is going to get hurt. Let’s stop now…)

But I said nothing [very intentionally].

I knew they were playing with cardboard and there was no risk of getting hurt. The risk was more that someone might not like where the play was going. And then the cardboard sword hit the shield, slid, and came close to a shoe. The game was instantly over. Done.

And it was not my choice, but theirs.

A line had been crossed. They had agreed that hits could only happen to the shield. And when that almost didn’t happen, the game was over. No one said anything - the one kiddo just got up and moved away. There was this shared understanding that the rules had been broken and they both knew that the game was done. And it was fascinating to watch.

I didn’t say a thing.

Now what does this little cardboard battle scene have to do with children’s development and growth? Let’s take a look at what lies beneath this little interaction between the kids.
First, we’ll start with self-regulation.

Self-Regulation

What’s interesting is that weapon play ironically teaches our kiddos to self-regulate. But what is self-regulation?

Dr. Stuart Shanker defines self-regulation as the ability to manage stress by identifying its causes, reducing its intensity, and returning to a calm, alert state. The Ontario Ministry of Education defines self-regulation as the ability to manage one’s own energy states, emotions, behaviours, and attention in ways that are socially acceptable and help achieve positive goals, such as maintaining good relationships, learning, and overall well-being.

There is an entire strand of the new 2026 kindergarten curriculum dedicated to self-regulation. Why? When speaking with kindergarten teachers and educators in elementary schools, they share that it’s an area of need they are observing in children. Kiddos are having a hard time regulating themselves.

And in the example shared above, we get to see what this self-regulation actually looks like in practice - a kiddo learning how to manage their own energy state while playing. They took it a bit too far, a way that was not socially acceptable to another kiddo (it was not agreed upon) and so the exchange ended. Yet, their play continued in other ways. They figured out how to maintain the relationship. Their emotions and behaviours were adjusted. And these are big things! They are 5 years old. And these skills were practised through a playful exchange with cardboard.

Social Boundaries

Weapon play can also teach kids to communicate boundaries.

Kids learn to express what they are okay with and what they are not. Kids will create rules and natural consequences that will happen when social rules are broken. We might hear: “I quit,” I’m not playing anymore” or “I said not to…x, y, or z.” And they (the kids) will hold each other accountable. Watch a group of kids playing a game to see it unfold. They can be very good at reinforcing the rules and speaking up when they aren’t being followed.

And it’s one thing to read about boundaries and self-regulation in a research article, but it’s another when you get to see it play out in real life. It’s very exciting because it’s so good for kids. It’s also interesting what can happen when kids don’t experience this kind of physical play…

Play Fighting

While reading more about physical, rough and tumble play, I made a connection to a story a parent once told me while he was visiting LYKKE Kids one day with his daughter.

He told me of a time when he and a group of buddies (maybe in university) were play fighting. One of the guys started getting really aggressive, until the rest of the group said, “whoa, whoa, whoa! We’re just playing man.” He said that he could tell right away that this person was an only child - that he had never wrestled or did play fighting with siblings. If he had, he would have known that he was taking it too far.

It’s not a slight against only children. It’s insight into what rough and tumble play means for those who are involved - it’s not about hurting someone else (which as grown-ups we worry about). Play fighting, rough and tumble play, weapon play - is about play. Having fun with others.

The Big Picture

Play has boundaries. Whether it’s structured play, like a sport with universal rules, or whether it’s along the continuum over to free play with kids shaping and deciding their own shared rules, it’s all about learning how to be together.

If interested in reading more about weapon play or risky play, here are some great reputable sources:

Children’s Rough-and-Tumble Play in a Supportive Early Childhood Education and Care Environment, Rune Storli (2021)

Rough and tumble play (RTP)—comprising wrestling, chasing, and play-fighting—is a vital, peer-reviewed developmental activity that enhances children's physical health, emotional regulation, and social competence. It teaches self-control, risk assessment, and boundary setting while reducing real aggression and building resilience... 

Boys, weapon toys, war play and meaning making: prohibiting play in early childhood settings? Mia Heikkilä (2021)

Such an interesting read about how “the hierarchisation of play in ECEC units reinforces in children the belief that some kinds of play are better than others…” and how that impacts boys when their play is not seen as valued…

Just joining us for this 3-part series?

Great! Here’s where you can read:

The Introduction: Good Guys, Bad Guys, and the Language of Play

Part 1: Watching Closely: Learning from Children at Play

and coming up next:
Part 3: Kids Love a Bad Guy